I pulled through the parking space so that the rusted front bumper on my ancient 4x4 lined up with the shiny tail lights of various newer model sedans. Swim against the flow, indeed.
I lingered in the car, checking my reflection in the visor mirror and stalling with my phone, as if the calls I receive are ever not Luis from Indonesia wanting to speak with me about my cable rates or Carmella from "Chicago" congratulating me on winning -again!- the vacation package of a lifetime.
Nice folks, Carmella and Luis. I always look forward to our chats.
There were no new messages since I had put the car in motion three blocks prior, so I shut off the ignition and climbed out into the bleak midwinter. The sun had not shown up today, and the gray blanket of clouds keeping it hidden offered no warmth.
The drizzle that had been dampening the town's spirit all day quickly dissolved my cloak of warmth from the car's heater.
My approach to the double glass doors was heralded in a crunchy staccato rhythm by shoes that had started pinching the minute I put them on. The mist began to clump, rolling large cold raindrops over my uncovered head and down the back of my neck.
I quickened my pace towards what I hoped was a well insulated, centrally-heated building.
It was a not-for-profit organization, so there was no guarantee that comfort could be afforded. It was also an old building, so even if comfort could be afforded, there was no guarantee City Code Enforcement would permit it.
Our hopes are met in a thousand tiny ways each day without us stopping once to acknowledge how disappointed we are not.
The warmth behind the doors pulled me in and began to huff warmth on my fingers and toes , my goose-fleshed neck and the tip of my nose.
~::~
One by one, they introduced themselves.
Clockwise, and one-by-one, the semi-circle shared their struggles with various '-isms' in a slow wave that was to culminate and crash with me at the end of the line. Whether liquid, powdered or pixelated, everyone seemed to be on a first name basis with the master who held their chains. They described dances with temptation, moments of will power and flashes of regret. The immense struggle of 14 different lifetimes, and all since last week's meeting. I was weary on their behalf.
My turn arrived, as I had been anticipating since I'd left my house an hour and a half before.
I cleared my throat and feebly started "My name is... well, my name was... I mean, I guess you don't need to know that, my name is Luellen. Most folks call me Lu."
You've probably seen in movies how the next line is supposed to be "...and I am an alcoholic" to which the circle is supposed to reply "Hello, Lu"
But I did't name my vice and the only thing that met my introduction was the longest two seconds of silence I can remember inhabiting in all my 43 years. By design, that silence encourages you to keep talking, to fill it up so you can sit back down... so I continued "...I'm not an alcoholic and I've never used drugs. I came here because I really need some friends and thought you guys may not be a bad place to start."
I didn't sit back down because I had not stood up, which I now realized would have been a good idea because there was no visible way to indicate that I had said all I cared to. Being on the end of the semi-circle gave me no where to look in expectation for another speaker to begin.
~::~
....maybe I will continue this sometime...
